


feelings should be illegal

by Deanon



Category: Original Work
Genre: High School AU, M/M, Pining, sleepover
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-07
Updated: 2020-09-07
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:41:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26343562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deanon/pseuds/Deanon
Summary: Talmage’s life hasn’t been great but having a crush is definitely, 100%, the worst thing to ever happen to him.
Relationships: Cayden “Luci” Lucille/Talmage Sazerac
Comments: 1
Kudos: 11





	feelings should be illegal

In the split second before the door opens, Talmage seriously considers just booking it. He took a bus for an hour to get here but it’s fine, he’ll just take it back, because this is the stupidest fucking idea he has ever - 

But he already rang the doorbell before he had this crisis and Luci opens the door before he can finish having it. Luci’s slightly out of breath which is…. weird? “Hi?”

“Hey, dude, sorry, I - “ he laughed a little - “just didn’t want any of my stupid brothers to - anyways whatever, come in, I’m hanging out upstairs.”

Talmage steps inside the house - mansion? It might actually be a mansion. It’s definitely the biggest house he’s ever been in. He looks up at the honest-to-god chandelier hanging in the entryway. “You didn’t tell me you were  _ rich _ .” 

“We’re not rich,” Luci says, halfway up the stairs.

“You have a chandelier,” Talmage says, jogging a little to keep up with him. “In a, an atrium thing.”

“It’s not a real one,” Luci says.

“Not a real -  _ what _ ? Is it, what, a projection? What do you mean it’s not real?”

“No, what? Wouldn’t that be way more expensive, some kind of hologram chandelier?”

“I dunno, you’re the one who said that your chandelier  _ wasn’t real _ .”

“I mean it’s  _ plastic _ , what the fuck.” They’d made the walk to Luci’s room in that time, which was awesome because he’d already walked in before it occurred to him to be nervous about it. Now if only he didn’t have a thousand other things to be nervous about. “Brayden jumped onto it one time and it just fell out of the ceiling, it didn’t even break.” Talmage couldn’t help snorting at that; it was hard to imagine student council nerd Brayden swinging from a chandelier. “Toss your bag over there.”

The room was weirdly neat, and didn’t look that much like Luci. There were some comics on a bookshelf, a TV set up against the wall with video game stuff spilling out of the stand and boxes, and the bedspread was light blue and white striped. He tossed his bag in an empty corner and looked around, baffled.

“Why’s your room so clean?” Talmage said, and immediately felt like an idiot. But he’d seen Luci’s locker at school, and he’d seen Luci be late to class because all his shit had spilled out of that disaster onto the hallway floor, so he was really starting to wonder if he hadn’t somehow wandered into an evil clone’s house or something.

“Mrs. Lucille made all of us clean before anyone could come over.”

“Oh.” He shifted on his feet, because he had enough of a brain cell to rub together to know that asking  _ why do you call her Mrs. Lucille _ would be a weird question. 

“C’mon, let’s play something.” Luci was digging under the TV, pulling out a tangled mess of cords and a pile of games, spreading them out on the floor to look at them better. Talmage grinned and joined him, kneeling on the ground, feeling kind of weird and warm about the fact that right behind the tidy tucked away shelf was the mess he’d associated with Luci.

“So who all’s coming over?” Talmage asked, after they’d gotten started on some supposedly co-op game with intentionally awful controls.

“Dunno. I think Dayden invited Claralee but who knows if we’ll even see them. Brayden definitely invited Viv and Gidley. It’s not like a party or anything but I never get to invite anyone over unless they all want to too.”

“‘S cool.” His heart was doing something weird in his chest and he was definitely, definitely not noticing that Claralee and Dayden were definitely dating, and he couldn’t remember who Brayden was dating but it was one of those two (maybe both?), and Luci had invited him. It was fine. It didn’t mean shit.

On the screen, his character flung itself off a fucking cliff.

* * *

They let themselves get lured downstairs by the siren call of pizza and music, which turned out to be a massive mistake.

“I’m just saying, don’t you think labels are restrictive?” Claralee said, from where she was sprawled out on Dayden’s lap.

“I think you’re trying to get around our parents not letting your girlfriend stay in your room,” Brayden said. He glanced at Vivienne. “Because you know they’d make her stay in a guest room.”

“Not really the same thing,” Dayden grinned teasingly at her brother, “we all know you’ve saving yourself for marriage - “

“I am  _ not _ \- “

“- but they let Luci have his not-boyfriend stay over too.”

“Talmage isn’t my boyfriend.”   


Talmage tried, very, very hard, not to react to that. He’d been frozen for the past minute, hoping the conversation would  _ not _ move in this direction.

“That’s what I said.”

“It’s so good that you guys aren’t restricting yourselves with labels either,” Claralee added, and Talmage  _ genuinely _ couldn’t tell if she was fucking with them or not.

“No, I mean, we’re straight.”

Gidley, who’d been watching this exchange like a fascinating tennis match, burst into laughter, which Luci immediately looked wildly offended by, and - there were some things that Talmage could stand being called, including Luci’s not-boyfriend, but  _ straight _ ? “I am  _ not _ .”

Luci whipped his gaze over to him. “What? You’re not?”

“You  _ are _ ?” Talmage parroted back with the same level of shock, which got another bark of laughter out of Gidley.

“I mean,” Luci said, immediately flustered. “I just, I assumed I - “ he floundered, his face bright red. Talmage’s heart pounded, thinking that if life ever felt like doing something kind for him Luci’d be realizing something right about now. He nearly leaned forward to get a better look at Luci’s expression, but he turned away before he had a chance to stare at a wall.

“You see,  _ this _ is why labels are so restrictive, it’s enough to just like who you like,” Claralee said.

“I don’t - ugh,” Luci said, getting up in a huff to go get pizza, and finally,  _ finally _ the conversation moved on to what game they were going to play. 

_ Talmage _ didn’t move on, though, complaining on automatic about every choice that they threw out until they landed on Mario Kart, which got a resounding “ _ fuck _ yes” from everyone in the room. Most of him, though, was still thinking about that flicker of expression on Luci’s face, his stuttered  _ I assumed _ , because was it possible that Luci’d just  _ never thought of it _ ? Was it really possible that if he kissed Luci he  _ actually would _ have some kind of magical gay awakening, or at least realize that this was the kind of idea that he could warm up to, and Talmage was willing to give him plenty of chances to get used to it - 

“Grabbed you a piece,” Luci said, dropping a paper plate in Talmage’s lap and almost dumping the pizza all over him. 

“What - I - “ Talmage grabbed the plate and grimaced. “What the hell, why’d you grab me one with pineapple?” 

“Pineapple’s the shit.”

“You’re disgusting.” 

“Your loss.” Luci reached over and snagged a piece of pineapple from Talmage’s plate, popping it into his mouth. He immediately felt more positive about pineapple, if only because there was something weirdly intimate about Luci casually grabbing food off his plate. 

“Oh, go ahead, just stick your fingers into my food - “

“Thanks, I will,” Luci said, grinning and snagging another piece of pineapple, and just laughed when Talmage shoved him. He had food in his mouth and it was objectively disgusting, but Talmage still looked right at him and felt his whole chest get warm. This was horrible. He was so fucked. 

* * *

They moved from the floor onto the plethora of couches, chairs, and loveseats to set up for Mario Kart. Talmage strategically sat next to an arm of the couch, and sure enough Luci settled in next to him. Gidley had sprawled himself out over the corner of the couch, leaving Brayden and Vivienne to flank him on either side while Dayden and Claralee shared an oversized armchair.

(But they weren’t  _ coupling off _ or anything. Definitely not.)

“You two get to share,” Brayden said, tossing Luci one controller. 

“Hey, why - “ Luci said, already reaching over to try to steal another one, and Talmage pulled him back. 

“It’s fine,” he said quickly, “chill out, I don’t mind.” 

Luci settled back down, leaning into the grip that Talmage had on his arm. Talmage stared at the side of his head, unsure if he should let go or not. “Fine, fine. Sorry we’ve gotta share all this shit, it’s - “

“What are you  _ talking about _ , I don’t have anything like this at the dorm,” Talmage said, and then immediately shut his mouth. 

Luci turned to stare at him, and Talmage immediately broke his gaze to look away. “You live at the - “ 

“There’s one down on the second floor,” Gidley said, from the other side of the couch. “Come play some time, we have game nights on Friday.”

Talmage opened his mouth, shut it, and felt a rush of confused gratitude towards Gidley. They weren’t exactly friends, but he’d honestly thought that everyone here lived in this kind of suburban McMansion like the Lucilles. “I - thanks. Who’s ‘we’?” 

“Come find out,” Gidley said teasingly, and Talmage rolled his eyes.

Thankfully, the game was starting, and Talmage got to ignore Luci’s curious gaze long enough that the starting bell for the race was counting down, and then Luci was too busy jerking the controller back and forth to keep it up. 

“C’mon, turn - oh my god you’re so bad at this,” Talmage said, as Luci drove straight off the track.

“Shut up, I just can’t use these tiny controllers.” 

“Yeah right,” Talmage said, and then noticed that Luci had a green shell lined up just  _ perfect  _ with Brayden and said “Shell,  _ shell _ \- “

“What?” 

Talmage reached over and pushed Luci’s finger down himself, ignoring Luci’s  _ what the hell _ as the shell fired off and nailed Brayden’s Luigi avatar right in the back. 

“Oh, fuck yeah, thanks,” Luci said in his ear, pushing at him with his shoulder and in the process kind of, pushing his whole body into Talmage, which was about the point that Talmage really  _ thought _ about the fact that he’d all but draped himself across Luci to get at the controller and huh.

He pulled back at a totally normal pace and looked away from Luci’s face, who definitely didn’t seem to have even noticed, which - that was good? Probably?

Claralee caught his eye from across the room. He looked immediately away, and heard her laughing at him. 

Even with his help Luci lost terribly, and he was still grumbling about it when they swapped controllers. “I was so good at this on the Wii version.” 

“Isn’t that game like, ten years old?” Talmage glanced at Luci;  _ he’d  _ had the Wii version, back when he’d still lived with his parents. 

“Yeah, well, I don’t - play games much. Or whatever.” His voice was low enough that it was almost lost under the general chatter about maps and karts. 

“You have games in your room.”

“I mean like this. With everyone.”

Talmage wasn’t sure what to say to that, and then the next race was starting. 

They swapped back and forth and they were both abjectly terrible, to the point that the only meaningful competition became which of them could lose  _ less _ badly to everyone else. Somewhere around the third map, Luci said in his ear “ _ Don’t choke _ ” and then cackled when Talmage jumped so badly that he kind of threw the controller in the air. His neck was hot, his heart was  _ pounding,  _ his skin was tingling where Luci had breathed on it. For a blazing second he wanted Luci to bring his mouth back and kiss his neck so badly he was actually going to die - 

“Luci, oh my god, you broke him,” Dayden said from across the room, and Talmage jerked and looked up to realize that he was  _ solidly _ in last place. He scrambled to get the controller back, face blazing, snapping  _ fuck off _ to Luci’s continued laughter. Shit. He - shit. God. Fuck! Every time Luci moved now Talmage jumped again, his skin over-sensitive. He wanted to look at Luci but he locked his eyes on the screen, barely seeing anything, mind whirling. 

“This is  _ war _ ,” Talmage said, when he placed even behind some of the CPU’s on that round. 

Luci grinned broadly at him. On his other side, most of the couch was still open, but Luci was still pressed up against his arm. Heat radiated out from that point and through his chest. This was the worst. He never should have come here. There was no way he could survive it. 

“Bring it on,” Luci said, and snatched the controller out of Talmage’s grasp. 

Speaking into Luci’s ear did nothing. Shouting “turn left” when he should turn right did nothing. Luci was so much harder to fluster than him, which sucked but it was also fine because now he felt like it was probably justified if he reached over and just jerked the controller to the side, sending Luci straight off the edge of the track.

“ _ Cheating _ ,” Luci said, but he was laughing as he brought the controller to the side, out of Talmage’s grasp unless Talmage climbed over him. Which was just - inviting him. Wasn’t it? 

“We didn’t make rules,” Talmage said, leaning over Luci, hand braced on his back, as they began to wrestle for the controller. Luci was struggling to keep driving while Talmage felt his knee slip into Luci’s lap, and god he was trying not to be weird about this but also it was impossible not to be weird about wrestling with your crush, that was just reality and he was resigned to it and also Luci  _ had to lose _ . 

“Dude,” Luci said, laughing, leaning further over so that Talmage was almost climbing over his head to get at the controller. He could feel Luci shaking with laughter. “Give it up, I’m almost - “

Talmage’s hand slipped from where he’d balanced it on Luci’s back, slipping down to his waist, and Luci jerked and dropped the controller. Talmage said  _ hah! _ and then realized what had happened and looked down to make sure he hadn’t hurt him or something, but Luci’s was laughing and embarrassed, and what - 

“Don’t - hahaha - don’t,” Luci said, grabbing for the controller and pushing Talmage back. 

“Holy shit,” Talmage said, “are you  _ ticklish _ ?”

“No,” Luci lied, and then immediately demonstrated it by jerking with his entire body away from Talmage’s fingers brushing over his side. “ _ Oh _ my god not  _ fair _ \- “

“We  _ didn’t make rules _ ,” Talmage said, delighted, not letting himself think about this at all because if he did then he’d  _ definitely _ chicken out. But he wasn’t thinking, he was just brushing his fingers along Luci’s side, fighting him off with one hand while he wiggled his fingers against his stomach, feeling how soft his old t-shirt was and how Luci’s stomach was clenched with laughter and how there was something irresistible in Luci flushed and gasping, “Talmage -  _ Talmage oh my god _ \- “

He couldn’t look away, both hands on Luci now, and oh shit this was such a bad idea. This was  _ such _ a bad idea because he didn’t really have a thing for tickling but he did have a thing for  _ Luci _ , and he had to back off or Luci was definitely going to notice but also he absolutely could not stop touching Luci. He’d lost all control of this situation. 

“Dude,” Luci gasped, and finally dropped the controller to push him, “stop, I lost - hhaaa, haha, I forfeit - “

Talmage looked at the screen to see that, sure enough, Luci’d come in  _ dead _ last. He maybe didn’t even finish the race. “Hah!” 

“Oh my god,” Luci said, putting his hands over his face, still breathing hard. “Don’t tell  _ anyone _ .”

“I would never,” Talmage said, very sincerely. “This is my secret weapon now.” 

Brayden ended Mario Kart after that “to avoid any injuries,” which Talmage was fine with because “I  _ definitely  _ won.” 

“You just  _ didn’t lose _ ,” Vivienne pointed out, who’d basically crushed everyone at the game. Talmage shrugged. She could believe that if she wanted. 

* * *

They transitioned to movies after that, and Luci’d settled him next to him after he was done bitching about being tickled. His weight was leaned on Talmage’s shoulder, which wasn’t really comfortable but Talmage wasn’t going to move unless it was to wrap an arm around Luci and he was definitely too much of a coward for that right now.

It was really really hard to ignore how the other groups in the room were. Uh, well. Dayden and Claralee were just tangled together, mostly sideways in the recliner, Claralee’s hand combing through Dayden’s hair. Brayden, after starting the movie, had been pulled back to put his head into Gidley’s lap; Vivienne was pressed up against Gidley’s side, her hands combing through Brayden’s hair. (What  _ was _ up with them? Whatever, not the point.)

And Luci was leaning against him, and he was sitting here, shoulders awkwardly scrunched up, arm caught between them. Was he being oblivious? Did Luci  _ want _ to cuddle with him? Was  _ Luci _ oblivious? Luci was definitely oblivious, who was he kidding, he wasn’t - but maybe he could play it off as a joke? Or something?

Fuck it.  _ Fuck _ it. He was a risk-taker. He was a rebel.

He edged his arm slowly from between them to behind Luci, like he was trying to get more comfortable, and then realized that he definitely couldn’t make this look like anything else so he just went for it. He wrapped an arm around him, and then just… waited. 

Luci was going to say something. Right? Like, Talmage  _ was _ cuddling him. Undeniably. And Luci was just… leaning into it. His eyes stared blankly at the screen, his entire mind focussed on Luci’s slow breathing. He’d leaned into Talmage so much that he could kind of smell his shampoo now, which was, just, the worst. This situation continued to get more and more unbearable by the hour. 

Slowly, so slowly, Talmage’s heartbeat came down as it became clear that Luci wasn’t about to call him out on being a gay piece of shit and storm out, or something. He was just kind of chilling. Bro cuddling. He actually muttered a couple of side comments to Talmage about the movie, which finally got him to pay some kind of attention to it. 

They spent the whole movie like that, curled up together, and by the end Talmage’s head was spinning and Luci was a dead weight against him, fast asleep. 

“Are you fucking kidding me,” Talmage said under his breath.

“You can just leave him here,” Brayden said, yawning. Vivienne had wandered off to sleep in a guest room somewhere, and Gidley had too, though whether they were going to be in  _ separate _ rooms Talmage really wasn’t sure. “He’s impossible to wake up once he’s out.”

“It’s fine,” Talmage said, which didn’t make any sense. Uh. “He’s - uh. I’ll - “ He was not going to move and his brain was way too fried to come up with a decent reason. “I’ll go up in. A minute.”

Brayden looked at him with a raised eyebrow. Talmage looked away, grateful that the room was dark except for a hall light on the other side of the basement. Probably Brayden couldn’t see him blush. Not that he needed to. 

“Right,” Brayden said, exasperated, and moved to the stairs. Talmage was just letting out a breath of relief when he said, “No sex on the couch.” 

Talmage’s whole body jerked, turning to watch Brayden go out of the room, “We’re  _ not _ \- “

Luci mumbled in his sleep and Talmage realized that he’d basically just screamed in his ear and shut up, looking down nervously, waiting for Luci to wake up and make them go to bed in separate rooms and end this, but somehow,  _ somehow _ , he stayed asleep. Or maybe just pretending? No, he was way too limp, maybe drooling a little bit (ew); he was definitely still asleep.

“What the fuck,” Talmage said, to no one. “ _ What the fuck _ .”

So now he was alone, with his soundly sleeping crush, in the basement of his house, trapped with his arm around him. He was exhausted, but also felt wired beyond reason. His heart sounded loud in the otherwise silent room, and if he held very still he could even hear Luci’s heart, feel it beating through the points where Luci was pressed up against him.

Had he done something to deserve this? Was this what they meant when they talked about karma? He wasn’t a  _ great _ person but he felt like this was kind of unfair, really. 

After a few minutes, though, it became clear that he had to do  _ something _ . His arm hurt, and Luci apparently could fall fast asleep sitting up but Talmage couldn’t, and he did actually want to sleep. He just didn’t want to move to do it. 

He had a brilliant idea. Maybe. Maybe also an awful idea. Whatever, the point was, maybe he could just - angle them to the side, sliding them both down, thinking  _ maybe if I fell asleep too we’d just naturally fall over and _ \- and if that wasn’t what actually happened then he  _ never _ had to admit it and Luci couldn’t prove shit.

He moved so slow that he almost drifted off several times during it, time jerking in weird fits and starts, and Luci’s weight constant and warm against him. The house was almost too air conditioned the way these big houses always were, but he didn’t even need a blanket; or rather Luci was his blanket, sprawled out over him, breathing into his shirt. 

He ended up with them kind of at a weird angle, one leg still hanging off the couch, Luci half on him, but it was more comfortable than any bed he’d ever slept in. Luci’s weight on him was drugging, made him feel like something warm was sinking into his skin. And he wanted to stay awake and savor it a little longer but he had some half-dreaming thought about  _ maybe this is what’s up with weighted blankets _ and then he was out.

* * *

His dreams were a confused jumble of images, some stressed and some sensual; Luci kissed his neck which made his whole body light on fire, except then it was  _ literally _ on fire and he panicked and Luci panicked, trying to put it out, and then it wasn’t burning him anymore but they were still trying to put it out because you couldn’t just  _ be on fire _ when you were making out with someone and if he put the fire out then he could definitely - 

“Down there,” dream-Luci said, and oh brilliant there was a pool of water and he could just jump down, but his stomach jerked as he realized the fall was  _ way _ further than he realized and - 

He crashed into the ground and woke up with a startled yell.

For a minute he was wildly disoriented. He didn’t know this ceiling, he didn’t know where he was, he was in his clothes from yesterday and he hadn’t been drinking so - 

“What?” Luci mumbled from the couch.

Oh. 

“Did you push me off the couch?” Talmage asked the ceiling. 

“No,” came Luci’s sleep-saturated voice. 

“You did,” Talmage said, sitting up, scandalized. 

“Nu-uh,” Luci said, but he was sitting up and blinking down at Talmage. 

Talmage kinda thought he’d be cute, but his hair was an absolute nightmare and his eyes hadn’t fully opened, and Talmage snorted before he could stop himself. At Luci’s confused, half-awake blinking, he said, “Your bedhead’s awful.”

“Shut up,” Luci mumbled, reached up to pat down his hair and then giving it up as a lost cause. “What time’s it?”

“Dunno.” Talmage looked over at one of the windows, which showed just a bit of sunlight streaming in from the yard. “Morning. Probably.”

Luci listened for a second, then said, “Don’t think anyone’s up yet.” He was slowly looking more awake, blinking around the room. “We slept down here?”

“Yeah, you - we, uh,” Talmage stuttered, it was too early for this, “guess we fell asleep during the movie.”

“Huh.” Luci combed his fingers through his hair. “Sorry.”

“Well it was fine until you threw me off the couch.”

“You definitely threw yourself off the couch.”

“Why would I do that?”

“I dunno, dude, you tell me.” Luci got up, stretching, and Talmage followed him so he could maybe avoid staring in a kind of creepy way. “D’you want coffee?”

He did, and they stayed in a kind of sleepy stupor as they stumbled into the kitchen. Talmage parked himself at the center island, feeling awkward letting Luci do all the work but feeling  _ more _ awkward touching anything in a kitchen that was bigger than his entire dorm room. (Every room in this house was bigger than his dorm room.)

Luci moved through the kitchen like he knew exactly what he was doing anyways, making toast and fixing up two cups of coffee with his eyes still mostly closed. It was way too early to be awake, but that just meant that the sleepy silence between them felt natural. 

“Here,” Luci said, putting a cup of coffee down in front of Talmage, with cream and sugar, exactly like what he drank at school. 

It tasted amazing. Of course it did, Luci’s family probably had premium stuff that wasn’t directly from McDonalds. Talmage was so busy enjoying it that he almost missed it when Luci said, “Anyways. Thanks for coming over.”

Talmage blinked at him. “Was that you telling me to leave?”

“What? No. I just - seriously. Thanks.” At Talmage’s confused expression, Luci shrugged, taking a long sip of coffee. “I just, uh. I haven’t really had many friends over. It’s always my brothers and sisters bringing people over, and - I dunno. It was nice. To have you here.”

Talmage took a too-hot gulp of coffee because he absolutely  _ did not  _ know what to say to that. “Well. I, that’s,” he couldn’t say anything about Luci not having friends, he absolutely couldn’t, and he felt like such a  _ colossal asshole _ for how much of this he’d spent thinking about kissing Luci when Luci was so grateful to have a friend, but he had to say something, just literally anything - “I had fun.”

Luci snorted into his coffee. “Yeah. Me too.”

The conversation drifted naturally back into silence, and Talmage ate his toast and stared out the window, and then over at Luci, who looked so soft in the sunrise. 

Being in love was fucking terrible. It felt like having a heart attack all the time, it was like missing a step every time he looked at him until he was just tumbling headfirst down the stairs, it made him feel soft and like he wanted to be here, watching Luci drink coffee in the early morning, maybe for the rest of his life. It sucked. He still wouldn’t change a single thing about it.


End file.
